16 Nisan 2018, Pazartesi
saat: 23:03
Hicbir yere ait degilim.
Hicbir dile ait olmadigim gibi.
Türk gibi hissetmiyorum kendimi. Avrupali gibi de degilim.
Ne anneme, babama, abime bir duskunlugum var; ne de vatan, millet, tarih duygusu.
Cocuklarimin adi Turkce bile olmayacak muhtemelen. Telafuzu kolay olan ve herhangi bir dini cagristirmayan bir isim olsun yeter.
Ha, din demisken... Herhangi bir dinim yok. Evrildigimiz dogru ama yaratildigimiza filan inanmiyorum.
Herhangi bir meslegim, mesletasim, veya arkadasim yok.
Dostum yok. Dusmanim da yok.
Kendimi adadigim bir hobim veya gonullu yaptigim bir isim yok. Hicbir gruba ait degilim.
Bazi zamanlar dunya beni unutmus gibi gelse de benim gibi yasayan cok insan oldugunu biliyorum. Benim gibi bir yere ve bir seye ait olmayi coktan unutmus bir cok gocmen var bu dunyada.
Aile ve asinalik kavramlarim coktan öldü.
Degerlerim, normlarim, yargilarim ve onyargilarim uzun bir zamandir yok. Neyin nasil olmasi gerektigi konusunda sabit fikirlerim yok.
Neyin nasil olmasi gerektigi konusunda demecler veren insanlari dinleyince cok sikiliyorum. Bana tavsiye veren kisisel gelisim kitaplari okuyunca da.
Kisisel gelisim ne demek lan. Armut musun sen ki belirli kosullarda olgunlasacaksin. Bir kagida guclu bir kagida zayif taraflarini yazacaksin da kendini taniyacaksin. Ya birak.
Nasil yasanmasi gerektigi konusunda konusan insanlara sinirleniyorum nitekim... Onlarin aptalligina, ve en cok da bilmisligine sinirleniyorum. Evrenin sirrini cozmus edalarina ve sisirilmis egolarina katlanamiyorum... Bu dunyada milyonlarca insan var. Siz ne haddinize insanlara nasil yasamalari gerektigini dikte ediyorsunuz? Bir siz mi cok akillisiniz?
Keske sadece gercekten soyleyecek bir seyi olan insanlar konussaydi ve biz de onlari dinleseydik. Ama malesef boyle bir dunyada yasamiyoruz. Agzi olan konustugu icin cok gurultulu bir dunyamiz var.
Bir de insanlar arasindaki o rekabet... Aman yani! Herkes ulassin hayallerine... Basimiz goge ersin, kicimiz tavana degsin. Herkes cok zeki olsun. Hepimiz 3 dil konusalim. Her birimizin 2 evi, 1 de yazligi olsun. Sezon degistikce yeni kiyafetler alalim ve her yaz deniz kiyisinda tatil yapalim. Hayallerimizdeki meslegi icra ediyor olalim ve 5 dil konusan mukemmel cocuklarimiz olsun.
Bi gidin isinize ya.
Hic dusundunuz mu ulan ben neden yaris ati gibi kendimi parcalamak zorunda hissediyorum; nerden geliyor bu kronik tatminsizlik? diye.
Kaciniz siradan ve hareketsiz bir Pazartesi aksaminda, olagan hayatin icinde, harici kosullardan bagimsiz olarak -pahali bir araba kullanmiyorken, siradisi bir yemek yemiyorken, veya etrafimizda bizi oyalayacak insanlar yokken- yani oylece ve sadece otururken mutlu, huzurlu ya da tamamen tatminkar hissedebiliyorsunuz?
Hayatinizda kac defa boyle hissedebildiniz? Toplam kac dakika surdu?
Cok acikli degil mi?
Yasamak kendimizi digerleriyle kiyaslamak ve eksiklerimizi bulup onlari gidermeye calismaktan mi ibaret? Her ne hikmetse boyle bir dunya kurulmus iste. Ben bir sir vereyim. Sizin "eksiklikleriniz" veya "zayifliklariniz" kimsenin umrumda degil.
Sonuc olarak, kimliginizde yazan her seyi unutmakta bir sakinca olmadigini dusunuyorum. Isminizi, cisminizi, milletinizi, irkinizi, mesleginizi unutabilirsiniz. Isminiz siz degilsiniz. Isminiz anne babanizin size vermis oldugu bir fikir sadece. Bir yansima.
Boyunuzu, kilonuzu, dis gorunusunuzu, kulturunuzu ve hatta konustugunuz butun dilleri unutabilirsiniz. Hayallerinizi ve hedeflerinizi bile unutabilirsiniz. Bir sakincasi yok. To do list filan yapmayi es gecebilirsiniz mesela. Yapilacaklari yazarken yasamanin, ölmenin, ölümlü olmanin, var olmanin ve yok olmanin ne demek oldugunu unutuyorsunuz cünkü. Birakin marketten yogurt almayi unutuverin bu sefer de.
Cok da sey degil yani.
scheißegal.
saat: 01:05
*******
I do not belong anywhere.
Just like I do not belong into any language.
I do not feel like a Turk myself. I am, just as much, not a European.
I do not have any attachment to a mother, a father, or a brother; nor a homeland, a nation, a political view or any sense of history.
The name of my children won't even be Turkish. I will just give them names that are easy to pronounce and do not have any ties to any religion.
Speaking of religion ... I do not have any of that either. I do believe that we are evolved, but a creator? I don't think so.
I do not have a job, a career, or any associate.
No friends, no best friends, and no enemies.
I happened to have a husband but I still don't really know how that actually happened.
I do not have a hobby where I devote my free time or any volunteer work of any sort. I do not belong in a group.
Even though it feels from time to time that the world seems to have forgotten me, I know that there are so many people who are living just like me. There is a lot of migrants in this world, or locals, who have already given up feeling any sense of familiarity or belonging.
My concepts of family and asinality have been for so long, dead.
Any own- values, norms, pre notions and tenacities do not really exist. I do not have fixed notion about what or how it is supposed to be.
I am in fact sick of people giving talks on "how life should be". I am equally sick of "personal development" books, of which I have read in the past quite some.
What the fuck is "personal development" to begin with? Are you a damn pear that needs to ripen up over time?
"...Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns..One one column write your weaknesses and one another the strengths. So you can get to know yourself..."
Oh really?
Leave it!
And what the hell is "self help"? Why do you think you need help after all?
So I get pretty angry when people dictate how to live it "right way". I cannot stand such a level of smartass-ness, as if they figured it all out. The secret of the fucking universe is now known, people! Just follow the self-made gurus!
Fact: There are millions of people in this world. How dare you... dictate a certain way to people as to how life should go?!
I sometimes wish it was a world where only people who actually have something to say were talking. And we would listen to them... but unfortunately it is not the case. Instead, we are living in a very loud world where everyone with a mouth practically "knows it all". (!)
Oh and that competition among people ... Oh! Everyone has a dream... Oh lets we all be so very smart and we all speak 3 languages. Let's we all have 2 houses and a mountain house in the hills. Shall we all buy new clothes as the seasons are changing and celebrate our holidays every summer on the sea side. Let's we all be performing our dream jobs and get oh, perfect children who speak 5 languages, shall we?
...
Have you ever thought why are you supposed to beat yourself up like a racing horse, why? Where is this chronic, epidemic dissatisfaction coming to you from?
How many of you can actually feel happy, peaceful, tranquil or at least just content on a typical ordinary Monday evening, without any extraordinary events -not in a casual cruise, not in an expensive restaurant, and not surrounded by people or social media distractions lingering around but- just in your ordinary, everyday sofa, sitting your ass down?
How many times have you actually felt that way and how many fucking minutes did it last without any need for a distraction?
Isn't it sad?
When did life become about comparing ourselves to others, finding our deficiencies and trying to fix them, or subconsciously feel down about them? I don't know why we established such a world order but here it is. But I still wanna tell one thing. For what it matters, nobody actually gives a damn about your "deficiencies" or "weaknesses". So don't bother writing them on columned papers.
In fact, you can forget about them.
There is more. You can forget about your name, your nation, your race, and your occupation. As you're none of those. Your name is not you. It was just an idea that your parents have given to you. A reflection. Not more, not less.
You can -for once- forget about your height, your age, weight, your friends, your culture, and even the language you speak. You know what, you can even forget about your dreams and goals. Just for once, you can skip the "to-do list". I don't think it is such a bad idea. It is actually much better than forgetting what it means to live, to die, and to be mortal, like many of us seem to be doing on a daily basis. I would rather forget about my "personal development goals" or "principles" than forgetting about what it actually meant to exist and how it is just around the corner to... not-exist..
So just this one time, go ahead and forget to buy yogurt from the supermarket for your weekly shopping. It is not a big deal.
Not so much.
