29 Mayıs 2020, Cuma
saat: 11:03
I am not sure if I can conclude everything today - I dont think so. Because my life was extremely complicated - as everyone's - and I did my best to make it more complicated.
However I have to admit I did wrong. I did wrong because I believed in people. I did wrong because while believing in the strangers I refused to believe the people around me who warned me manytimes about my being extremely humble.
Thruout my life, many different people around me warned me with the same sentence "dont be this much humble people will get you wrong"
I mean I said thruout my life, since this "misunderstanding" stuff has started when I was at 11 years old and still continiues.. - continiues? I actually dont think it cont.es anymore.
Because for the really first time in my life, not because it am angry or broken but because I feel so, I do find many people around me as "not worthy enough" to be my friends. Yeah seriously. I sometimes even look at and/or think about some "already" close friends and I question my taste in "human personality" I ask myself "Would I be friends with this person if I were new me"
And the answer is mostly "no", however you cannot go and tell people that they are fucking selfish assholes and you really are sorry that you valued them or spent time with them etc. More importantly you cant stop seeing them suddenly because you had a funny past and had no issues/problems between until now - and actually you still dont have any problems.
I actually started seeing may close friends as "only friends", and many friends as "acquaintances" and many "acquaintances" as "how I wish I didnt know you"
The best part is I am not broken, many of them didnt do anything to hurt me, many of them still are trying to get in touch with me (esp the ones in Japan) but you know what, I am not old me. I cannot stand people's nonsense talks in order to make them happy any more, and I actually dont want to. I dont want to behave as if I am having fun a lot in order to make them feel better. I seriously dont care.
And it is not because I am tired of giving or I want to have instead of giving from now on... I still am a giver, I love giving and making people happy but not "ordinary" people anymore.
I like dedicating myself to real close friends not the other random people also.
So nowadays when I remember how stupid I am because of the fucking humbleness that led me to love everyone around me no matter what kind of people they are, I feel seriously ashamed of myself.
Howcome a person can bruise her soul to let her love everyone around her.
What kind of a "the lowest of the lowest" soul is that aims to give and give all the time altho she takes all the shit all the time
I though I respected my self, and I did.
But what I learnt is, if you dont show off how you respect yourself and if the people around you are fucking egoists that are not able to understand you, you will always be misunderstood.
So, I seriously am ashamed of myself because I valued everyone so much.
