28 Ağustos 2014, Perşembe
saat: 11:05
so all that is apparent from a distance is probably a little bit awkwardness and a tiny fracture of affection here and there. upon closer inspection there are lots of empty conversation and dry laughter.
i have plans tonight.
so simple. so concise. so clear.
and so cutting.
i feel terribly old. actually i don't really feel it, but the number itself seems really old. sounds terribly old when i say it out loud.
you didn't have to.
i know. i already had, that's all.
and hypocrisy much?
maybe she is right, the e issue should not be the thing bothering me.
i don't quite agree.
and it bothers me terribly either way anyway.
it feels like she is tearing the whole thing into two pieces. she has been doing so for a while, slowly, purposefully and the final thread has given out. time for slowly building her castle up, carefully, deliberately.
a story book ending for sure.
i do not have a drop of proof. no gossip, no news, no sightings.
just putting two and two together.
adding suspicions, personality traits, number of friends remaining and subtracting what used to be relevant. what used to hang it all together despite all the damage.
awesome hugger.
divided into two.
rationality vs emotions.
it is easy to know the rational, easy to analyze and make informed sensible decisions.
it is also easy to identify the emotions and their reasons.
yes i know. but i also feel.
what gives? should give? may give?
which wolf to feed?
best to ignore both. ok not the best option obviously. but it is one.
on the other hand, i am back to my normal self.
my skinny jeans are even a little bit loose on me now.
the neighbor i referred to only as the annoying guy because he forced the mail lady to have long conversations moved. he has been here since i moved in, two years. i learned that he was gay, into exploring different religions and designed and tailored suits for celebrities just last night.
baby fish. dead fish. lady kiki.
brainy is not even a soft little cuddly thing.
yet somehow it gives me comfort to have it around.
so this is it?
is this it?
you did this.
i don't think i got a say in it.
maybe it is true that i did not deserve to.
and at this point it doesn't really matter anyway.
oh yeah probation.
sure yeah. you know a word loses all its meaning when you repeat it over and over.
everybody he is a joke and she is new.
they are getting papers though.
facts and actions are tangible.
this was not summer. i would like a do-over.
but then i would not do anything differently.
je ne regrette rien.
titanium.
je ne veux pas travailler. actually scratch that. the situation is way beyond that.
je veux seulement oublier. (ou disparaître.) et je fume.
not that i feel a craving, nor really enjoy it in fact.
boredom. rushing through the seconds, minutes; only to lose days, months.
time has to pass somehow. and it does of course, one tiny step at a time.
tick tock.
