13 Eylül 2014, Cumartesi
saat: 18:56
Start by telling yourself that you’ll never fall in love. Look in the mirror every morning at your stupid ugly face and make a mental note that nobody could ever love someone who looks like you. Take a shower and let water pour over you, down the length of your mediocre body. There’s no way another human being could ever find that attractive. Dry yourself off and repeat your mantra to yourself. “I can do anything.” That’s a stupid fucking mantra. You are a dumb fuck. You will never amount to anything and nobody could ever love such a sad waste of space. Get dressed in anything, it doesn’t matter because all your clothes aren’t cool enough.
With your expectations sufficiently lowered (“none”), you can now proceed through life. Go to class, go to work, see your friends, see your family. Have a coffee, have a sandwich, have a beer. Life is pretty awesome! You have a lot of good stuff, and since you’ll never fall in love, that’s just one less thing to worry about. Enjoy each day the way you would regularly, watching your friends couple up and strangers embrace. That’s so nice for them! Go home and watch your favorite TV show, update your blog, go to bed, repeat.
Proceed like this for as long as necessary. It might be forever, but chances are it won’t be. Love will slowly creep up on you in the form of a new friend, a stranger, a one night stand that you can’t get out of your head, whatever. This is where your training comes in. Don’t be fooled by this new feeling! You are worthless, you are ugly, you are stupid and nobody will ever care about you. Ignore any advances. Perpetuate your worst traits to further solidify your unloveable persona. Love might be real, but not for you.
And the worst thing is that I was so sure that I had a right to love. No, there are no rights, no guarantees. You exist, you cope with life, you're more or less alone and that is it.
What a poor little fool your friend is, so unbearably demanding, so unbearably happy for being so.
