15 Ocak 2015, Perþembe
saat: 22:01
Emotionally abusive people are the worst, because they act like they’re the victims and that they’re the nicest person in the world. Controllers, abusers and manipulative people don’t question themselves. They don’t ask themselves if the problem is them.They make you feel like utter crap and make it nearly impossible for you to prove that you’re the actual victim. You find yourself sinking lower than you ever have in your life, sacrificing your dignity and self-worth. All of your efforts are not only ignored, they get thrown back in your face with remorseless contempt; and all because you were trying your hardest to make someone else happy.
People think walking away is easy, “the easy way out” they say, but they must have never felt the chains that wrap around a heart filled with destructive love. It took me well over a year to be able to confidently call what happened to me emotional abuse. How pathetic. I had to love someone decent before I realized just how toxic all this other shit was. I had to meet someone who didn’t get mad at me for experiencing emotions to realize that being punished for sadness or frustration or whatever was screwed up. How stupid and lacking in insight is that? In retrospect, all the red flags were there. I remember feeling like I was the bad person because I left some grease and burnt egg residue on the stove. I felt like maybe I deserved to be tormented for hours, screamed at, told not to sob (because I was being "oversensitive") on and on late into the night until I finally broke down and booked a bus ticket home. And when I got home after 6 hours of crying on the bus and crawled into bed as the sky lightened up, it felt like it was fair for that person to text me or call me, saying how smart and beautiful I was and I was "the one" no matter what happened between us. I didn’t see what was happening, and that made it so much worse. I was miserable, but I was told I should be happy. I got treated like shit, and thought I was lucky for those few moments where I was treated like a human being.
That part of my life is over now, but the scars are still there. I took away a few good things from this, but the majority of the emotions I carry are negative. Thankfully, I always have amazing people in my life taking care of me, things are better, and I am very lucky to have found out how your life improves when you surround yourself with positive, affirming, accepting and non-judgmental people. I just felt like I needed to get this one off my chest after today's brief discussion, and that's all I want to say on the heartache and self realization that's got me to this point.
