28 Ocak 2015, Çarþamba
saat: 22:03
The horrible feeling of starting to feel feelings again!
I wonder whether it's my morning coffee with L., the upcoming 2 year mark, or the new Danish student I spent the day with made me remember all those feelings at this moment, but does it matter? After all, it's always hard to understand why our feelings can be so ephemeral and betray us so often.
You’d like to think you could love a certain someone just because they’re nice and cook you spaghetti and play the right song when they're about to kiss you, but it’s never that simple. I know this now, but I didn’t know it then. You can be with someone for an entire year and have it feel like a one-night stand.
You’ll meet this person at a party, through a friend when you’ll be starving for affection. It’s been awhile since you’ve been shown any love, since you’ve been fed, and this person will seem right for the job. Fine. You’re hired. Love me.
In the beginning, everything about them will excite you. Their opinions on French movies (GIVE ME MORE!), their upbringing, their aspirations: it will all be riveting. You spend the entire weekend together and experience 48 hours of important lovely moments: losing track of time, going out for a late dinner and maybe getting drunk off wine. You feel alive for the entire weekend. Everything you were doing before this? You were dead.
Three, four, five months go by. You go to work, you go to your boyfriend, and you go to dinner with your friends to talk about him. “It just feels nice to have somebody, you know? Whatever we have, it’s normal. It’s refreshing.” Say these words over and over even if you don’t know what they exactly mean. Your friend will nod and be happy for you and then there’ll be a pregnant pause, and you’ll have to say, “Enough about me! How’s your work going?!” This will be the natural flow of things. This is your life now. These are your dinners, these are your friends. This is it. This is great.
And then things begin to dissolve into crumpled wrapping paper. You start to get annoyed at them for things that would’ve made you smile two months earlier. You bring your boyfriend on an outing with your friends and he shows no interest in them. Your face turns red with embarrassment and you apologize profusely saying, “I don’t even know this person right now.” One night, while making dinner in your kitchen, they tell you a joke that makes you angry instead of laugh. They spend too much time on Netflix. They don't make any plans for the summer in which you'll be thousands of miles apart. They don't call you before going to bed. They don't send you cute good morning texts any more. These things all add up and get put in a box labeled, “Over it.”
Eventually, you come to the shocking conclusion that you have nothing in common with this person. You can laugh, smile, get turned on and orchestrate a perfect relationship. That’s not to say all of it is fake. That would be…scary. You did look at your boyfriend and feel warm inside and care for their well-being. You took care of him when he had back pain and you were happy to do it. That was all real. But now they know you’re gone,and you know they're long gone. You’re here sitting on the couch with them, but you’re actually at the beach, you’re shopping for boots; and in the end both of you are busy at work and not loving each other.
You’ll tell them in your apartment right after your big exams and they’ll grow silent. Finally, they’ll develop an edge in their voice and say, “We’re incapable of loving each other."
And that’s a wrap on a one-year stand. They are ctrl+alt+deleted from your life that moment forward. It is hard to digest at first. As ordinary as it all appears, there has been times when it was beyond your imagination. But they are not bad people for not being in love with you any more. You’ll miss them sometimes, and then immediately remember that it's not about getting someone to think you’re good enough for them. You will learn, in the end, it's about finding the puzzle piece you fit with -i.e. the Ernie to your Bert.
I realize that I've been mostly reflecting on my past (maybe too much?) nowadays, but my past experiences have made me who I am today. And now that I'm really close to the one thing that I love, I'll shut about it, one day. I know it's close, I can already feel it.
