23 Mart 2015, Pazartesi
saat: 16:13
Everyone knows what birthdays are supposed to look like, right? Having a good time with a bunch of friends or a romantic dinner with someone special. Feeling secure and happy that your life is on track and you're right where you're supposed to be. Relishing in how young, vibrant, and beautiful you feel...
So why is it on birthdays that I find myself laying in bed all day with the covers over my head and my phone turned off? Or drowning my blues in multiple bowls of ice cream? Or spending the day crying into my pillow while my boyfriend tirelessly tries to console me without understanding what's going on? I’m generally a well adjusted and optimistic person, so why do I consistently turn into a mess/wreck/disaster on a night meant to celebrate?
"It’s supposed to be awesome, exciting, celebratory, epic or important and instead I end up in my pajamas watching Project Runway and eating the food I find in the freezer wondering why Nina's comments is making me cry."
It’s not even about age so much as it’s about the pressure. This is probably the third or fifth or eighth birthday in which no significant ‘milestone’ has been reached. I'm just "me" now, and there is nothing new and improved about it. But there's one big, nasty word that has everything to do with why birthdays end up being exactly the opposite of what we think they should be...Expectations.
Even though you claim to have no interest, birthdays still have you by the balls. I truly thought I had proactively destroyed my capacity to feel any emotion whatsoever, be they positive or negative on this subject, but I guess I was wrong.
“I don’t care about my birthday. I could care less but wait, why hasn’t my crush contacted me? And it’s 6:00PM and my parents haven’t called me yet. Am I seriously having a Sixteen Candles moment? Thank God I don’t care about my birthday because I would be really bummed right now if I did. I’m so happy that I’m immune to societal pressures and don’t care about my age or my future or anything for that matter! So very glad…”
For starters, everyone is contacting you and making sure that you are having THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER..
"It’s your birthday today! Happy birthday! Smiley face, wink face, happy face, any face at all because this is Facebook and you can’t see me anyway. Have a great day, have an awesome night, get wasted, get excited, hope it’s a good one!"
..while you're actually doing the dishes on your birthday as you have made no plans to celebrate "the big day" with friends and acquittances -let alone crazy parties or romantic getaways.
"It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to..."
Then, someone important forgets to call and wish you a happy birthday, you inevitably feel upset and then get annoyed with yourself because you know it actually doesn’t matter. It’s trivial. It’s childish. It’s foolish. It’s so many things you shouldn’t be feeling.
" I don’t know why I looked at my phone, at Facebook, expecting something. Just a small acknowledgement. Anything, really. A simple “happy birthday” would have done it, the kind of thing acquaintances send, the girl I sat next to in Psychology class 4 years ago, Sephora emails. Saying “happy birthday” is about as basic as it gets. And here, you have a cheat sheet. Facebook tells you."
Finally, the sense of dread and scary thoughts start creeping in: What if I’m writing the things this time next year to 28? "Oh dear God, I will cry… again. And this time, it won’t be pretty." Or even worse, at 30? We all assume change is a constant, but the status quo is just as likely a possibility. Now, what’s there to look forward to? What if I’m not meant to have that trifecta of family, career and home? Society’s subliminal pressures have convinced me this is the sum of true happiness. "Society – 1, Me – 0." What if it’s no longer a matter of when, but rather if?
Birthdays are pressure. Birthdays bring with them anxiety and stress. We expect them to be wonderful and that's why they aren't.
