11 Şubat 2016, Perşembe
saat: 23:20
People ask me if I will be around somewhere at some point this summer or if I want to go to this trip or that event, and every time I say, "I don't know; it depends." Just an hour ago, Dr. K. asked if I could stay in their place for another month and I couldn't reply because I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WILL BE DOING IN THE SUMMER! It depends on if I find a job (which doesn't seem likely now), where I will go if I find one (I applied to schools all over the place) and whether or not I finish this summer (depending on whether or not my committee thinks my dissertation is good enough). And what if I don't graduate, where would I work and what would I do?
I am a planner. I plan out my schedule, my routine; it makes my life less stressful that way since I always seem to be busy. So I need order. I hyper-focus on everything I can control, because I feel the need to enforce order and what I see is a chaotic future. But when my plans get messed up or when I can't really figure out my next course of action, when I don't know, I get really worried. Right now, I have to sit back and wait to hear back from all the schools I applied to and do research and publish. But waiting has never been my strong suit; worrying is! I want to know, I want the security of knowing what my future will look like, and trying to "just let it go" doesn't stop my anxiety from making me worry about things that are out of my control (at the moment).
"I don't know, I guess, it depends..."
