24 Mart 2016, Perşembe
saat: 01:42
Sayın jane en son 18 Aralık 2014, saat: 23:16; tarihinde sitemize giriş yapmışsınız.
thought it had been longer.
i am in a very strange place right now. literally and figuratively. and technically i am not.
i am not an expat no matter how much i feel like it. i am not exactly a failure no matter how it looks from the outside. yes, technically i failed. once. should it erase all that i did? maybe even accomplished? does it? i cannot decide partially because i am not allowed to really process it because you know, what would everyone say, and partially because it doesn't feel like a failure or a rejection but a fading out of sorts.
or maybe more like turning off the lights and running off. maybe not even turning the lights off. i literally don't remember, i didn't even have shoes on when i left.
yes, it was the most cartoonish moment of my life. terribly frazzled, running around with only socks on, my jacket on backwards, trying to maneuver all my luggage and baggage of five years along with taking care of someone else at the airport.
then taking care of someone else else on the plane with my cushiony parka.
there are so many moments in my life that i am thinking are like a joke. something you would see on a tv show. or the internet. a meme. viral story.
i should write a book, i really should.
fragments of things, i have. will they, can they ever be whole again?
i always wanted to but never thought i would live with two cats, now i do.
i never thought i would live with dozens of little freshwater life and love it, but i did. it is weirdly one of the things that i truly miss. is neptune/mars still out there?
you could say it was akin to cultivating a garden, see life flourish and become beautiful in a way that only life can.
i even had a small business there for a second.
i walk around the neighborhood and i see all these cats. -disclaimer, most of them doing fine, don't worry i live in a pretty cat-friendly neighborhood.- but they all have four legs, none hobbling around with three legs and a third of a tail. it makes me feel like i won somehow, i have the cutest little rarity living with me.
i am trying to carve out a little corner for myself here now, and at the same time reach out and become something completely different. inward and outward.
i pack a mean tv.
i also pack a mean week of adventures and tourism and sex.
have you ever been on top a centuries-old wall during religious dinner time after having climbed a 90-degree stairway followed by a cat, very possible death and your fears of the possibility anyone could come up and kill you right then and there when the streets were totally empty at that particular sunset due to the aforementioned religious ritual?
i meant what said, i don't watch tv, i don't read the newspapers. i don't get the media speak so that might be my weak point, and should excuse me if i do a bad job occasionally. but should i have said that for my new gig for an evil company?
yeah i am telling you. you cannot make this shit up.
also consider the fact that this gig came up right after what's supposed to be a failure, a rejection at a serious level, stately even *wink*.
it took me this long to realize my brain has developed in a way not quite compatible with the people i thought, naturally assumed, it would be.
neuro shomo-ro.
right now i am so jealous of a fake group of friends on a fictional tv show living in a made-up town, i should shamefully, but in fact rather indifferently, admit.
like my hair. should i have a haircut, go blonde, have a keratin treatment, just leave it alone, lighten it, use products and straightener, what?
my friend is coming to visit in a month and i don't actually want to take her anywhere interesting because i am afraid.
an australian guy, an american guy and an irish woman walk into a chatroom...
just realized it is the one-year anniversary today, of the boom and the pa-pow. the email. the disintegration. the chaos, the fading out. holy moly i swear i had no idea, just now glanced at the date.
so yeah, here we all are. hurtling through space over a million miles an hour.
