10 Nisan 2017, Pazartesi
saat: 00:40
OK, back to English, then. Eventhough typing this on my phone's keyboard will most certainly be less than fun, I should write. So here goes:
I was not expecting to like Izmir. Yet I've been enjoying Alsancak these past two days. And I definately wasn't expecting to have the much-needed-indeed raki conversation with my mother yesterday. Well I'm generally open to surprises.
And tonight, honing progressively better and better to the smells, sounds and sight of the sea and the stars, I realized a few things that I should have realized a lot sooner.
First, I have exceptional power for a few (mostly analytical, but also some awareness-related) things and a good amount of vulnerability about a good amount of other things, with not too much room for middle ground. Shea, you witness both ends. Social interaction, for example, is not like riding a bicycle; you get to lose it if you do not practise it. With a big majority of people, I'm naturally at Forest Gump level at it anyway. And now, I'm more like Toby the HR from The Office. I just don't know what to say. In fact, I am constantly surprised that they can keep talking and laughing when they leave me out. And they are surprised when I can talk about stars or different machines or inovation or all these other things that they just don't have any words for.
Sometimes I feel like each step of my most casual walk is unstoppable. So I should just make myself do what I'm good at. But I can't, because I'm good only as the support man, not the first man. I will not prove this to you, but I know this as a fact.
I also just now realized that for someone who's got the blues, big group gatherings are really just a waste of time. I've been a big fan of group gatherings. They are better served for other times.
And lastly, I realized that many people dont ask me questions not because they are respectful, but because they are afraid. I have always been a scary person, and now I'm a scary suicide bomber. Ask, and I might pull the trigger. I am the beggar. Even if you need the napkins, better not to look at me in the eye. Just get the napkins elsewhere.
This entry has become quite disorganized. I blame it on the phone keyboard. I'm sure this entry also perfectly matches a psychological disorder. And I'm sure that disorder is not my disorder. I'm just a god's bastard son.
My mourning continues. That's good. Very few people (if any) will ever understand. That's OK. I have to go through with my mourning to equip my new weaknesses as a shield. Otherwise many people will use them as a weapon against me. They've already begun.
