18 Mayıs 2017, Perşembe
saat: 18:22
There is maybe an ease in which I am capable of surviving even cold weather if I must, anything if I must. Not only that but doing better than mere survival with less effort than one might imagine. It leaves a feeling of unease if I am to be honest about it. Not quite the symptoms of imposter syndome but not so much unlike them either. I wouldn’t really call it luck, because luck—in my opinion—is to not struggle in all ways including internally. I participate plainly and too often in all forms of internal warfare, I cannot help myself.
I think that sometimes I feel a bit blessed to the extent that within anyone else’s perspective I would very much have to dislike myself for the way in which my minimal efforts, which are only minimal because effort is being sliced and served like pie pieces to all the guests I’ve gladly invited (there is only so much effort one can give), are so thoroughly rewarded.
Then maybe it is that I do genuinely work as hard or as well as others say I do, and for me and the unease it is the fact that any other way of being is fantastical to me and yet so many have another, likely more relaxing way of being. I don’t know if I’d like to be like them. Sometimes I know that would like to sleep more or feel more inside of myself than I do with all this portioning out of parts.
Oh, I’m just not sure. I’m never exactly sure.
