22 Mart 2019, Cuma
saat: 18:31
It is birthday.
It has been a mixed bag of a past week. I was quite productive and on top of things mostly, but that meant leaving the house at 8 am and coming back at 8 pm, eating salad in front of TV and falling asleep by 10 pm - it's such a cliche portrayal of a 30-year-old single woman, who sacrificed her personal life for her career, that I'd barf if I saw this on the screen. At midnight I was telling A. how alone I felt as he tried to scramble about to comfort my heart & then things started to change. I started to get texts, things on Facebook, Whatsapp messages, and lots of presents from people, which is so lovely. M. offered to organize a party & A. offered to come here for my birthday weekend, but I declined both. I am meant to finish my conference paper this weekend. I have been meant to write this paper for a month. I’ve been focusing on other things instead, like work, so I don't even feel like celebrating. There was a time in my early twenties when I was more comfortable with putting myself on certain display, but with age comes the self-awareness of my life’s insignificance.
I’m okay with what I have now. Of course I am stressed and feel a personally uncommon, heightened emotionality today & my solitude feels less its usual comfort. But more than anything, I want to be able to write about anything other than what I have been tasked to write about.
Sigh. Hello 30s.
