19 Mart 2020, Çarşamba
saat: 06:16
Yesterday I learnt one of the secretaries that I like most, is retiring next month. I was shocked. Then they asked me to write a note to her, if I would like to. And I said of course...
Since I was shocked, M. san asked me if I also knew that T san left the job. And I, again, couldnt stop myself and said something like "yeah I did know because I heard from people. but I behaved as if I didnt know because she didnt informed me about that"
As soon as I said this, I again understood that I am in Japan because from the face expressions of people it was obvious that they expected me to be either "shocked" or to say "yea :( I did know I am so sorry".
For god's sake. I have been there for 4 years and had no problems with secretaries. No matter what happens in the department, whereever I go I always bring them sweets etc, because I like them - away from the problems in the department. I even dont categorize them in the same group with the people in the department. And what I took was, while they were sending mails to everyone in department to inform them about the "bye bye party" of T san, I was the only one excluded from that event. And now do you really think either I wouldnt hear about her leaving job or I would behave as if nothing had happened.
why should I care if someone leaves or not when that person even didnt care to tell me.
Seriously that was the last drop that changed all my point of view in the end of 4 years. no matter what had happened thruout these years, I was always finding excuses for japanese to get over what I experience thru. But in the end of that thing, I said "well okay then".
Many people in the department speak about others to me.. Who hates whom, who doesnt like whom etc I all know. And I also see how they behave each other in a very nice way - contrarty to what they talk about each other.
So it s okay I dont give a damn shit if they are not sincere ornot. I am not sincere either. I learnt no to be here. And I am okay with that. however, altho they speak in a bad way behind each other, they always are chitchatting in the department or if there is some "bye bye party" they always are calling each other. however I am the one with whom people dont speak or who is not invited to department events.
under these circumstances, I can easily say that, they seriously dont like me.. like me even less than those people whom they speak behind.
In the end I accepted it.
It s so nice that I have a life outside school life, a life which is not full of assholes like 3 years ago..
I remember the japanese friends I had 3 years ago, last week. I remember how mean some of them were even. I was extremely kind to all of them but some were seriously bulying me because of my kindness.
Either with their help or because of the stuff had happened in the department all thru these years, or both, I became someone who started caring less. It s some how a good thing I think.
Honestly, there were parties that I invited. yes. and honestly I didnt want to attend many of them, but I did because it was rude not to attend. and honestly there were other parties which were FULL of "sincerity" that I wasnt specially invited.
:) where I would like to be.
whatever.
In the end, people and their choices.
and this is my choice now.
to see them as they are, and to accept them as they are.
thats all
