01 Nisan 2020, Çarşamba
saat: 16:52
feeling like a bird freed from its cage
Now I am 36 years old and I learnt one of the most important lessons in my life on my birthday - which didnt hurt even a bit.
You know how birthdays are important for me. Anyone who knows me for a year can be aware of it easily. Because I do care about others' birthdays a lot. It is crystal clear, always. and no lies, there were some certain people from whom I was expecting to have 1 "happy birthday" msg. One of them sent yesterday tho and it really made me happy since he was the only one I wasnt able to put into exclude list.
Whatever.
May be it s better to have no expectations from people however it doesnt work for every situation. If you (think that you) give value to those people, and if you showed it already and even you told them how important they are for you, you at least expect to have one msg as "happy birthday", which may take 10 secs to write and send.
well this was my expectation, a 10 secs of their lives. should not be a big deal for people who (i thought) care for me.
of course no msgs.
In the beginning I started speaking with George about this in my surprise birthday party (yeah it was a big deal that I couldnt stop myself and sent him a msg about how I felt) and he was also shocked to hear that noone send me even a msg. At some point a japanese friend asked me why the hell I was with my phone all the time and I summarized him the situation. and he asked me why the fuck I care on my birthday at my birthday party some people who dont have even 10 secs to spare for me..
I said, "I dont know. You re right I know but..dont know."
Then shit happened and 2 friends started arguing about their relationship and I warned them to stop and they didnt and I left my own birthday party. When marcos heard this he commented as "morons" about my friends who started arguing at my birthday party and he is right actually. But whatever, if you are drunk you may do silly stuff.. And not only I was but also they were drunk. So they were not able to understand how unhappy I was on my birthday to see arguing people around.
I started crying while leaving, I took a cab and while going back home I cried all the time. They were calling me but I wasnt able to answer since I was so pissed off. What I was thinking was, how selfish they were to fight for a nonsense stuff on my birthday and not caring about what I wanted : I wanted them to FUCKING STOP.
well I came back home and suddenly asked myself "who am I?"
Not related with the fight that my friends had but probably it was the last drop that made me awaken, I did understand that I put myself in a role of a very understanding and caring person and wrote a scenario and tried to fit people around me into those characters in the scenario.
This part is so important because this thought was directly related with the people in the department. I was like "oh.. may be I dont care about them as much as I think I do.. and I just was trying to act as if." Then I started taking every single person to exclude list except Joe which means they wont be hearing about anything about me, anymore.
In the morning I woke up, and was feeling so relaxed but in the beginning I wasnt able to find out the reason why I was feeling so relaxed and free. Then I understood that, without those people I am so free. And I seriously dont care about any of them anymore but was forcing myself to think that I should care which was eating me up inside.
was an interesting lesson for me to see that we might live in a delusion for years without noticing. yesterday I felt I do really pity my last 4 years in japan which was ruined by me because I wanted to care about those people a lot and expected them to care for me for 10 secs at least. I just asked myself "Zeynep were you this much invaluable for yourself?"
peh.
After that night I seriously feel like none are even a bit important for me and I will never speak of them in my future life while I am speaking about japan memories.
So nice to be free like this.
I do now understand neither they wanted to be a part of my life nor they were a part of my life.. and now I can clearly say that even when they want to be a part of my life from now on, there s no place for any of them in my life.
They are not worthy to be my friends.
36 came with a big surprize and a present.
PS you may think that they might have forgotten.. Yeah if there wouldnt have a notification on line application or facebook, they might have forgotten.
:)
