15 Mayýs 2020, Cuma
saat: 23:35
“Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We’ve got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.”
— D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover
Very little is up to me alone and that was a long fight in the foggy sky to come to personal terms with. I used to think that my own force of will about something could move everyone, anyone, along in the direction I wanted - never before this year being able to admit in any real way that I was the only one I had that right of power over. So much is as simple as living almost unbearably conscious and yet that was as well one of the hardest acts.
I was angry in the morning, a minor mood about him contemplating his "return to normal", then wondered what the real why was as I reached to hug him and try and soothe the pain he self-inflicted on his soul. I wanted it to slow down life a little. But then realized only what is rapid excites me. I live for short hours, quick minutes. I am not patient, so today was a day of taking backward steps. I’m sure it’s a mechanism of coping + a mechanism of self-protection + a response to things that fly in the face of ethics + reason. Still, despite taking no offense at his boredom or even noticing that he wasn’t responding ‘right’, I loved and appreciated him trying and thought. I guess that’s been his learning curve, one of them when it comes to me. And I have had to learn so much as well - have had to learn to let him hide some of his thoughts, to not talk even when I know there is something to be talked about, to retreat at times, but yet remain receptive for the moment he does want to speak about his things or do something new without inhibition - like exploring all the cliches in cult movies, or lying in bed in the dark listening to Winterreise.
I try to rationalize everyone’s actions and I’m good at it. This lessens your disappointment in them. In others. And it can almost always be done.
