31 Mayıs 2020, Pazar
saat: 18:55
Tried not to tell many things that I have experienced in Japan for years to my family, and today, out of blue, while telling about the problem of the laundary machine, I started crying while telling some of the shits that I had experienced.
They were so shocked that my dad advised me to see a phsycologist as soon as possible and what he also told me was to give up acting as the person whom I am not.
When I told them why I didnt want to call tinker till now, and why I still dont want to call one but I have to, and being have to get in touch with the people whom I dont know makes me very anxious, they were listening as "wtf?"
This actually is not a new habit in mylife, it is something that I have since the day I know myself however here the impact on my life s just increased - to a very distubing extend.
Like, yesterday while I was sleeping, all I know is I was aware of I was sleeping and in the morning I woke up so stiff and was extremely angry. there are lots of stuff that drive me into this anxiety however yesterday's problem was the air conditioner.
Not because it is broken but because I have to get in touch with the owner of the house - a person who I dont know very much and saw once in my life.
being have to get in touch with some one, asking for help, even asking for the directions mostly really drives me crazy.
I was and am not the person who I act like.
After my parents listened me, my dad told me "being introvert is not something that you should be ashamed of and you should hide. Try to act as yourself without thinking what people would talk about you because you are acting as yourself. You dont have to show people that you are not introvert and/or shy".
I told him "since I am really disturbed within people around me if I dont know them, I mostly try to hide it by behaving as if I am the most relaxed and extrovert person ever... However, at some point it really starts hurting. And in the end I found out I cannot behave relaxed without drinking in a drinking party or when I go out with people.. And at some point I drink a lot and lose my control. Time to time since I behave mostly as if the person I am not, when it bursts it bursts very bad.. "
I also told them that sometime ago, I even was telling my friends in the morning when I woke up "I feel like shit. I feel like I did something wrong because I went out yesterday to have some drinks with my friends. "
I remember I even -and still I am- was feeling bad because I was going out dancing (one of the things I like most on earth)
He again told me "there is nothing to feel guilty about anything. The way you feel bad is because you are trying to hide your true self probably. If you give up on acting as if the person you are not, everything is going to be okay."
I told them I was like this in Turkey also but it was easier there because I was able to explain myself to the people around..
and he told me " you dont have to explain yourself to anyone"
then mom told him to stop interrupting and listen me.
and I continiued "however this introvert nature of mine s gone worse in Japan because of this and that I think."
They asked me if I have a chance to visit them and I told them because of the pandemi I cannot.
Then they told me to make trips in Japan if it is allowed and offered money to support my economy for the trips.
I Do have money but I feel like I dont have the will, the only thing I want is to run away to a rural ryokan to stay 2-3 days and relax.
Then they told me to do it asap and find a psycologist.
In conclusion, I am not okay for a long time..
I seriously am tired of behaving as an extrovert while being 90% introvert inside because I feel like people can easily bruise introvert people or they can easily call them as "mad"
However this protection mechanism is not working anymore, and even it gives more harm than protection
