03 Haziran 2020, Çarşamba
saat: 10:35
2 days ago I called the handyman. he didnt answer his phone so I kept searching for a new one. Meanwhile someone started calling me so I answered. There was a very old man's voice on the phone telling me he is the handyman, what was the problem. I told him, I was not able to find his shop, and the adress on google was an apartment.
He told me 201 was the number of his house. I asked him for the adress of the shop and he told me "My room is my shop".
The strange things is... Whatever.
He asked me what was the problem and I told him my laundary machine was broken. He asked me for the adress of my house and I told him "Nope I am not *inside voice FUCKING* sharing it without seeing him and explaining the problem" So he invited me to his room.
While going to his room - which is also his shop - I was proud of myself since after 4years I though I didnt behave like an idiot and shared my adress with a person whom I dont know no matter if it is for job or so..
Yet I was seriously nervous because I was going to his room. I decided not to enter and speak with him outdoors, however the door was opened by a woman - which made me relaxed.
I spoke with the man and his daughter (?? Ithink) whi was seriously anxious and nervous.
In the end the man told me to call yamada denki or panasonic first and if they wouldnt deal with my laundary machine he told me he could come and check it.
I thanked and left there feeling bad about myself because I prejudiced an old man and didnt share my home adress with him in the beginning.. I was thinking "ahh an old man... I am a bad person to think that he might have bad intentions. Zeynep you are becoming a very bad person indeed. Judging people as perverts without knowing about them is not a good behaviour. I know what you went thru within 4 years changed you however no matter if people did spike your drink or attack you to mollast you many times, or watch your house constantly even when you moved to a new place , should not be a reason for you to judge people".
Well the next day I woke up and was getting ready to leave home around 9 am when the phone rang.
The guy - the old guy, handyman- was asking me if had gptten in touch with panasonic and made my machine fixed. I thanked him kindly and told him going to speak with panasonic within day - though I found it a bit awkward that he called me out of blue while thinking that I seriously was becoming a bad person in heart because altho a person was trying to help me probably because he thinks me as his daughter, I still was able to find him calling me awkward.
The day was over and I was a drug store around 5 pm when my phone was still ringing. I answered the phone and again the same old man was speaking. he asked me again the same questions I Told him I will call panasonic next day again and he suddenly ask me like "asobini iku?" I was like "what?"
He told me that he doesnt have his wife so if it is okay can we meet rarely.
I didnt get the situation and was like "I am sorry sir, but I dont get you" Then he told me "I have a dog (yes he has) and I am old so it need to be taken care of time to time. Cant you just stop by rarely and take care of him" I was like inside *ohh Zeynep you re such an asshole to think that he asked you asobini iku? You probably heard wrong. and *outside "yes sir, when I have time I will stop by to help you"
at that very moment I started thinking "but he has a daugter" and at the same time he asked me again "asobini iku? together... ? you can come to see me, I have a dog I cannot leave him alone but we can have fun at home"
I was like "wha..?"
and he was like "you said okay right? do you get what I want?"
I told him "sir I dont get you. You told me you need someone to take care of the dog time to time because you are old and alone all day. So I told you I can help with that. I didnt say alright about having fun or sth"
and he told me "yeah my dog.. do you get me?"
I was like "sir, I am sorry I cannot speak now. shitsureishimaasu"
People are seriously unbelievable.
I do experience this all the time, here.
I became a creepy person who doesnt wanna get in touch with any men of any age by the help of people.
I hate judging people but you know what I hate raggin on people more. and the most I hate is to think and believe people have bad intentions at first. This is not who I am but I became someone like this
This is not the first time that I experienced this, and not all are happening with elderly men ofcourse.
Just this time I was really disappointed because I was not expecting a person can think me as a sexual object and use my phone because I called his "shop phone" written on google maps?
I do many time experienced the situation of people did think they can harrass me just because I am smiling at them and many times they asked me to go home to gether..
Because they came as "excuse me" and I said "? hai?" while similing..
I am not tired of this
I am sick of this.
I stopped smiling, I stopped making eye contact while speaking even with the people I know
I feel more anxious to speak with people now, more than before.
As I said before, this is not the first time that I experienced this. I am not a person to tell this kind of stuff on the first experience. I Am the denial queen, as marcos calls me. I deny the bed things for a long time.. I even close my eyes when I dont want to accept sth that happens clearly.
This is just one of the "burst" moments I am goign thru now.
