29 Ağustos 2020, Cumartesi
saat: 18:31
I'm not a "no" sort of person, at least not when it comes to work. I know when I must draw the line and I do it, but I always wish to be some tireless machine - always want to be more computer than a human.
But nonetheless, I'm less wary to speak weakness. A mistake being made is always worse than powering through. And mistakes have consequences, and so the "yes" girl becomes the "yes but tomorrow" girl.
I like immediacy though. I always will. But I've internalized time in a way healthier than before. Yes, it's all urgent, everything about this life is time-sensitive because we all are going to die, but I'm trying to make it mean more and I'm trying to produce quality always without being discouraged by the time it takes.
Some people think if they do something, then the thing they want will happen. But I was raised in a country that prides itself in being cynical and I became a cynical woman. And I was taught by my parents that there was nothing special about me or anyone. I have none of the egoist fantasies some people find comfort in. I'd like certain things. I even demand certain things, but I'm no more deserving of them than anyone.
But you know, there are a lot of people out there who believe disgusting things and have disgusting thoughts about the world and other people in the world, and who treat others poorly and without regard and who take no responsibility for what they communicate and put out into the atmospheres they move within? And guess what though, they could like be literally anything else and think literally anything else and behave in a way that was more aware of themselves and others...and they do not.
I recall with nostalgia when the center could not hold; now there is no center.
