04 Ekim 2020, Cumartesi
saat: 03:07
A friend made a good point earlier that I've been thinking about this evening. Often relational advice is very much "what not to do" rather than what to do. In terms of telling someone how to get along with us, it is easier for us to tell the things we cannot tolerate than the things we'd especially like. I tried to think of some things on the spot but the list was small and I quickly went toward the "no" sort of listing. I kind of want to try to make a bit of a self-indulgent list here that won't be judged or rejected, because I do definitely think that, for me at least, telling people what I want/like and having them still do the opposite feels very much like a betrayal - a direct attempt to wound. So what does please me - the island I am? And I'm going to think here in terms of all relationships, so I'm lumping the platonic, familial, and romantic here.
I am pleased when people see that I could use a hand and then they provide that without me being made to feel infantilized in the process. My life is often stressful. I am often overextended. And so then a major way to show me care is to take some of the smaller and reasonably doable things off of my plate for me. Acts of service, no matter how minor they may seem to someone, done out of respect for what I am putting in are huge for me in feeling appreciated and noticed.
Quality time. I can't spend a lot of time with others, so I like to enjoy the time I do get to spend. I like small bids of connection people make when everyone is too busy for interaction but yet still aware of one another. It keeps me tethered. And I particularly appreciate people who take the initiative to make plans, because I'm unlikely to do it (although I stick to my social plans once they've been made). I'm likely to work myself to death without ever seeing anyone socially, so I like it when people make an effort to make sure I'm pulled out of that and into moments of connecting.
Speaking of being allowed. Being allowed to just relax? Having that nurtured? To be allowed to just exist. Silent. Dumb. Unfunny. And yet sometimes in another's company. I like that a lot. I want to shut off more than most people realize. I have a need to be able to do so for at least an hour each day. And I like the rare times when I can do it with someone around. It takes a lot of trust. It's a high compliment of who I believe you are if you get to see that part. But it's a very unexciting part.
Being told how people feel/think about me or feelings/thoughts they have in response to things I do. I'm not asking to be flattered when I say this. Knowledge makes me feel secure, even when knowledge is a criticism or complaint. I'm always going so fast that it's difficult for me to pick up on the more nuanced expressions or hints of emotions or opinions or boundaries, but I want to respect those things. If I'm not told, I'll wonder. Then comes anxiety. So much like "make it a little easier for me" in terms of the practical realm, I really like it when people make it easier for me to know where I stand with them at any moment. I genuinely want to treat those I am close to well, but I can't do that efficiently if they are a constant mystery.
I like the thoughtfulness. Little things that brighten a day, a life. I think that's a major underlying theme. I like it when I feel considered, when I am considered. Thoughtfulness can be expressed in so many ways, but I really love and appreciate all of it.
I like it when people let me rant and explore my thoughts and challenge me along the way. I reach conclusions in a very active manner. I like it when other people become a part of the process. I like it when people engage with me and what I'm saying. Who doesn't though?
I like macarons. And someone else doing the talking sometimes. I take the lead so often. Order my dinner for me. Yes, I can do it myself. No, I'm not shy or helpless or incompetent. But I'd like to sometimes do a little less when I have inconsequential chances. It feels so exciting to let someone else take care of a thing without me managing it. It's trust. It's one less thing for me to think about. I'm always doing. Maybe allow me to not do sometimes? Space to exist. Space to simply exist.
Thoughtfulness and trust. Big things. Taking someone at their word. I like that. I like being able to.
I like joking around with people and knowing they are ok and having fun.
This list isn't complete, but it felt really nice and positive to focus on the things I like and that make me feel happy instead of what I definitely do not like. I might do this again sometime.
My mental health has been pretty good though lately. I'm hoping I can continue with that vibe. And I hope my productivity continues to expand as it has been. Like, my personal trajectory is one improving, going up. I hope to climb more. I hope to get it all back into place. Life. All the have to do's and want to do's. It is balancing out. May that continue. May that grow.
