21 Temmuz 2022, Perþembe
saat: 06:09
ok my life could be so much worse right now—like all of my basic needs are met and I am safe and all the people I love are safe and happy. so no big problems thank god. having B. and E. around has been nice and i've been enjoying our time together - whether i am just organizing stuff for them or actively participating with them. but emotionally I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. if we are looking at how much baseline enjoyment I am getting out of life right now the answer is: very fucking little!!! it feels like every minor to moderate stressor is activated right now and all of my usual “find joy in X!” doors are closed to me and then I can’t even burn off the bad energy because all the summer work (grading, self-evaluating, executive-directoring) has me physically trapped in my house from sunup to sundown. so i force myself to workout, eat mindfully and read the books to form a routine in the evenings. i know i am being an insane perfectionist about these assesment-related tasks and it’s NOT a good use of my time/energy (!!!) but it feels like the one thing I can exert any control over in this crazy world and so I end up spending hours painstakingly reworking a couple sentences over and over and over again trying to get the tone exactly right. ugh!!! plus the heat just makes me so fucking cranky and I know that but have no real control over it. also i need to remind myself that I never do well with unstructured time & no routine to stick to. I have a few scattered meetings with kids each week but for the most part I’m adrift in the void right now and that always makes me feel soooo intensely restless and unhappy.
OKAY god it’s fine it’s fine venting doesn’t actually help I just need to figure out a way to inject a little tiny bit of joy into my life because hoo boy I am not having a 10/10 human experience right now.
Everything proceeded from an assumption of insufficiency.
