04 Mayıs 2024, Cumartesi saat: 12:41 Yes, yes , and yes I want to write all over again and again as if it will change something. As it will release something. I am effected by every voice ı hear , every person I see. I want to be alone at the same time I want to be surrounded by people. I want to lead just for the reason not to be suppressed just for the reason to be myself again. Even when I am alone I cant be myself I just relax and my traumas kicks in . I go there when I relax. Should I not relax , I act in front of others to be the leader I want to take the charge in front of others and be an example.... But when I m only.... Stuck... 13 years ago My first sexual relation , I was not happy to have it but I thought this is a mans will, and woman she is not supposed to be happy. Who put this idea to me, who put this idea to me that woman is supposed to be weak, not enjoy and be happy in life. Woman are supposed to make mistakes also they should be in charge also They should be enjoying sex and dominating also Woman should decide everyhting about themselves They are allowed to change mind and like a guy and not like him later as well And at the same time be responsible of their actions and not behave like asshole mans that dumbs woman and breaks their feelings. No woman are more clever than this not to fall in the same mistake..... Back to 13 years ago I met a person from my job. When I just quit my job he started to come after me in the sense of being interested. He was the cameraman in a production (Fuck my ex just now has the same exact job no way!!!!) Anyway he used to come to the shop that I worked and always showed a lot of interest. He helped me in small things that ı was doing. He invited me to a tea in Kadıkoy cafe or maybe it was hot chocolate, He told me that he is interested with me and wants to be my boyfriend. I didnt know what to say that moment but I rejected him saying that it s ok to be friends but that I am not interested to be his girlfriend. I looked his face to find something a small thing that will resonate with me but my instinct clearly said a big NO.... Time passed he took the chance that I gave him to be a friend . He helped me in every way and was everywhere I was alone and not with my parents... He helped all the works that my parents gave me to accomplish. I was not earning money much but I took care of the shop the garden , I would work for free I was 22 I finished my degree in Sociology and didnt know what to do. I was just swept with what the 'teacher' was telling me to do... Anyway He helped me accomplish all the job that he gave me and I was happy to be able to make the teacher happy. I dont even remember why he had to help me ? It was simply my mom and him , his works. I never want to lay my hands on those works under him ever again! After sometime being my saviour of 2-3 months I accepted this new boyfriend situation. He was everywhere . I had my first sex with him , he was on me and I just didnt resist even though I was deadly scared and in one moment when he got my sexual parts ı froze after that my body traumaticly shaked. One time I was confused. What is happening he was hugging and taking care of me with so much love words, he took care of my emotions, I even dont remember but he manipulated me emotionally. I was not able to listen to my thoughts or emotions but something was disturbing me badly... Time passed it was summer and I was mostly staying in the farm and he was in Istanbul. When ı was overwhelmed by him and the trauma that came from sex ı ran to the farm my family gave me a protection. I never shared my troubles with them. They wouldnt understand and just blame me... I was on the swing all these months the more he was using his love words and running for every problem I need to solve in my life I felt drone to him and the times that we stayed together ... And I had an extreme urge to run away. After every sex I was frozen and my whole body went into a shaking shock afterwards ...Sometimes I couldnt take it and I thought so many times to commit suicide ... One time before a yoga class he was at my home and after that happened I drank some pills to kill myself ... He got to know he tried to make me vomit. I think I did vomit and after didnt cancel y class went in to the room with a full supress and a smile thinking about the students. Another time I was at his house in his bedroom after sex he went away I wanted to jump from the window. I wrote a letter I couldnt blame him I was ashamed to my core, felt maybe its my mistake. I wrote all was on me and he had nothing to blame but I didnt jump he came into the room. I tear the paper into the pieces and throw it in the garbage. After that he wanted to take me to a psychologist a sex terapist or partner theraphy . We spoke together in the room and I had alone conversation with her also but I was not seen again. I was hidden all my pain and problems were hidden they were not legitimate... She gave me exercizes to touch myself , I hated it ı want to reject her and tell that I dont want to do it. I told her many times that I did not want to do it. Fuck it was horrible. But she told me if I dont do it I wont heal. I tried once it felt disgusting and a lot of pressure, I didnt want to go to her. My so called boyfriend was playing with me emotionally, he bought me a small cat, he was pressuring me about the psycholog and to meet. I told him that I want to seperate, he wouldnt hear me and change the subject, would never accept... ıt took me 2-3 months to be able to get rid of him , to finally break up. I suffered a lot these months from him following or waiting in front of the house and pressuring me to come home. ı ran to the farm to stay there ı was so disturbed that time but the teacher and mom was there. I told to the teacher he asked if he wants to marry ı said yes he wants , he asked me if ı wanted ı said no but he doesnt leave me. He told me to tell him clearly but he didnt really care much neither my mom... In the end the only solution ı found ı told him that ı m going to india next week, he asked me the exact day that ı m leaving and that he would come with me to india. I told him a false date that he cant follow me I had to take my stuff from his place my laptop especially. I asked my close friend to come with me ı did not trust him . I asked him to bring me the laptop but he didnt , he told me to take it from his house so I was planning to come with my friend but last moment she sold me out and didnt come. I went there alone was bombed with some extreme emotional stuff. He wrote down a 40 pages poems or some stuff that everyday I was away I was supposed to read a page of it. He made me sit there and read those things. I told him I need to go I told my friend is sick I need to leave. He said he was also sick and how much ı dont give importance to him. He told that he was not feeling well and he needs to go inside and that I sould come inside with him and stay that night for the last time before ı go to india. I resisted I took my laptop and told that I need to go , my friend is sick she is waiting for me, I told she is calling me. I went towards the door... He came after me hold my arm and squezzed it with anger , he started to shout with a big voice with an extreme anger. He told me he did so much for me and this is the graditude. I was stuck to the wall. He punch the wall next to my face. and shout with anger. I literally froze, my knees didnt carry me so ı sat on the floor. He continued to shout on me until he realised ı was not there anymore. My ears buzzed and my body was totally numb as if ı was drugged. his voice was coming from far away. At some moment I didnt even hear his voice anymore. He bent down to the floor started to slap me and call my name ... I was gone . He took me in his lap and carried me into the shower. he pput me in the bath tub took out my clothes ı was left with my underwear. he poured water on my body but I didnt wake the fear kept me in shock. I felt like a sheep that was being taken to slaughter... After washing me and trying to wake me up he carried me to his bed. My emotions were stable and I couldnt reach them. I was still frozen and it was getting worse... He took my underwear out and raped me there... I dont remember how long it took, ı didnt see anything... I stared one point on the ceiling and my mind was somewhere that I couldnt reach. I felt like a corpse... Suddenly my body took over and with a rush my hands grapped his neck and I wanted to kill him without any thought. He surrendered in the begining and after tried to push me away . his neck get rid of my hands trying to squeeze . Immedeatly after I started to scream as high as I remember. As if a zombie waked up from a dream or a baby new born so supressed... I remember that my eyes fixed on the small cat that was terrified and saw the small cat being traumatized , I felt she carried my feelings. Suddenly after screamiing and crying big time, I saw he got busy taking his camera in the bedroom on the sofa in front of the bed. Immedeatly I felt he filmed what he did to me. I reached to him and the camera he ran away to the saloon. I tried to take it from him but he fighted and didnt give me, after a long struggle and telling him to give it to me he denied filming me... I got nothing to do I took my phone and stuff and throw myself out of the house. I was in the stairs when I called my uncle it was 3 am in the morning he didnt reply I called my slovenian friend in Kadikoy .She has been worrying about me for some time about this guy , She picked up the phone and told me to take a taxi and come immedeatly. I went out to try to find a taxi. The guy ran after me and told me to get in his car I resisted for a while when he hold my arm ı didnt resist anymore . He told me he will bring me to my friend. He drove very fast and almost recklessly, I remebered telling him ı want to die and he drove faster telling that we die together. In all these manipulations my friend called me and shouted on the phone telling that if he is not immedeatlly bringing me to her she will call the police. He gave up playing with me after the threat and drove me to her. I was in a very bad shape whole night I cried, she told me that she will bring me to doctor tommorow and ı accepted , I was still in an unreal world and was still feeling numb. Next morning we went to the doctor, she told me that we had to make a check for other things like rape proof as well and I was afraid but accepted. I was feeling the whole world was turning out of my control. The check was extremely stressfull. But only that one lady university doctor was good (dont remember her name but they tried to jail her because she actually did her job) After all this checks and 2 days staying at my home ı had the flight to india Nobody knew anything in my family except my uncle. I went to an ashram with female monks and generally locked myself in my room. I was mostly alone. Sometimes ı went for meditation and cried for hours talking to god... I had very bad dreams After sometime I started to grow feelings of revenge , I imagined myself killing him or cutting off his penis... I started to see myself as a monster in my dreams butchering my family... My mom joined me in India. She didnt know why I was so sad and crying , she didnt really try to understand . I went back to Turkey with the idea to open a court case against him. The court took 3 years with a lot of injustice , insultation to me and money expanses. I lost the war , and left the battle ground with a big broken heart... EVery one I knew couldnt suite me 3 years went by as if i lived in hell. I had a bad life I dont know how to heal even after 13 years passed my heart is broken . I try to do same mistakes but ı m a different person now. I wont freeze ı wont be weak yazyaz